By Marriya Schwarz
Dear High School Student,
I know many of you have wondered if we are still holding the SATs this year, due to COVID-19, but we’ve arrived at the decision that schools can’t admit students solely based on their crew involvement and their famous Full House parent.
On that note, we have decided to revise our typical SAT format to a more common sense-based approach since you nasties can’t seem to figure out how to social distance during a pandemic, and you’re just as likely to spread the virus as adults.
Plus, we are trying to stop teen ‘Coronavirus party’ instigators from being admitted into American universities attempting to function with little to no preparation but a need for that sweet, sweet tuition money. Premiering in December 2020, the SAT: Survival of the Fittest Edition will feature specially designed reading, writing and language, and math sections. In each of these sections, expect to see questions like these:
READING SAMPLE:
We have decided to forego typical literature excerpts and instead, replace them with segments of the news, since this may be the only way we can make you read this information during a three-hour period; it feels like most of you Tik Talk, but you never listen.
Sample Question 1 is based on the following passage:
This passage comes from a post on the Donald J. Trump election page that explains his administration’s early actions in response to the worldwide pandemic.
1 TIMELINE: THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION’S DECISIVE ACTIONS TO COMBAT THE CORONAVIRUS
Sample Question 1:
As used in line 1, “decisive” most nearly means:
A) Effective
B) Confidently
C) Without hesitation
D) Well-planned
E) We played golf a lot
CORRECT ANSWER: E. Why worry about putting people’s lives in danger when you can focus on the putting green?
WRITING AND LANGUAGE SAMPLE:
Sample Question 2:
Correct the following sentence: Kennedy and Robert decided to invite half of the school to their maskless Friendsgiving, all held in their tiny basement with zero ventilation.
A) Kennedy, and Robert
B) Friendsgiving all held
C) basement, with zero
D) Kennedy and Robert minded their own damn business.
CORRECT ANSWER: D. Kennedy and Robert came to their senses and cancelled the party. Instead, they learned how to knit and finished watching all Netflix content, thus doing the bare minimum to help their community stay healthy.
MATH SAMPLE:
Sample Question 3:
An essential worker went to Target after a long shift in an attempt to buy toilet paper. However, when she arrived, the store was almost empty, and she was only able to purchase 1 pack. Her ending total was $24 for the toilet paper and some breadmaking supplies. The breadmaking supplies cost 2 times more than the toilet paper. Looking to her left, the essential worker noticed that a man purchased solely toilet paper for $80. How many packs of toilet paper did this man bring home?
A) 0 packs
B) 4 packs
C) 5 packs
D) 10 packs
CORRECT ANSWER: A. It turned out that the man was buying massive quantities of toilet paper to sell at expensive prices on the Internet. The feds caught wind of this, confiscated the products, and are now distributing them to those in need.
If you are taking the essay portion of the SAT, you can expect questions like “If your favorite TikToker went to a non-socially distanced event to take pics, would you? Wait don’t answer that” and “Please wash your hands,” which is more of a statement than a question.
All the other standard rules for the SATs hold true: Get a good night’s sleep, bring plenty of water, and bring extra batteries for your calculator (that is if Donald Trump hasn’t bought them all out while trying to power Mike Pence.)
And please make sure you bubble in your answers completely with a No. 2 pencil and not a sharpie. If we see one #SharpieGateSAT tweet, we’re going to lose it.
God help us,
The College Board
SAT VOCABULARY WORD OF THE DAY:
Coitus (co-i-tus) noun:
Not worth breaking quarantine for when CDC recommends keeping a distance of 6 feet. And don’t fall for it – no one’s dick is that long.
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