By Brooke Rees
Dear Reader,
It’s been more than a year since we last met in the pages of this column. Some things have changed: A global pandemic, sweatpants being considered business formal, me graduating from Zoom college, and me writing to you now from an entirely different zine. One thing, however, will always remain a certainty: If a fellow film buff says that a movie is a “must-watch”, that means I must not watch it.
Now, I’m not a naysayer just for the thrill of being different. I know my Hogwarts house, star sign, and which member of the cast of Friends I’m most likely to date based on which desserts I think are most aesthetically pleasing (Chandler). I do not want to be different, in fact I’m probably at risk of joining a cult for how much I like to be a part of things and how much I admire the Kool-Aid Man. If you see me wearing a flower crown and standing next to a burning building, kindly carry on.
The point being, I’m not a naysayer for nothing, I’ve just been wronged too many times. People with film degrees whom you believe to be your “friends” will look you dead in the eye and, without flinching, tell you that Metropolis is their favorite film of all time. These people are too far gone; they are not to be trusted. I have sat bleary-eyed and opened-mouthed, staring blankly at a screen and at risk of drooling far too many times when watching these classic films. I’ve come to the conclusion that if Kylie Jenner or my grandmother has not heard of a film, then I simply don’t need to watch it. That being said, as a now fully-fledged William & Mary Film and Media Studies degree holder, I am often shamed by the classic films I have overlooked. In this series, I will review famous films that I have not seen, solely based on the title, the trailer, things I’ve heard other film buffs whisper excitedly to each other in dark movie theaters, or my pure imagination. May my reviews be so good, you too will feel like you’ve already not seen this movie!
A Clockwork Orange
Okay, we are starting off with a bit of a tough one here. Not many people talk at length about this movie, but when they do, they speak about it with the same hushed dignity of someone who’s seen a particularly disturbing but very interesting episode of Criminal Minds. Based on this tone alone, I’m going to say that this film has some f*cked up stuff in it, possibly involving a clock and also an orange. And from my brief interactions with the film in various classes at William & Mary, I think there is also a scene with milk. If we are to combine what we know thus far: disturbing tone, a clock, an orange, and some milk, I can only be left with one conclusion: A Clockwork Orange is the harrowing tale of some ladies that went out for brunch. Upon arriving at their destination, they are horrified to discover that their clocks were five hours behind and that the venue is now closed. Forced to forget the mimosas on their minds, they must sit and drink from a single gallon of milk. That’s it. That’s definitely it.
Gone with the Wind
Okay, now this one is easy. I’m pretty sure it’s about wind and racism. My friend’s family had a dog named Scarlett after a character from this movie. So Scarlett is having a good time being a racist and being in the wind. I believe this movie is also Southern—I don’t know why, but I think they definitely drink lemonade in this movie and at some point wear a bonnet, so all signs are pointing to south of the Mason-Dixon Line. If this movie is Southern and also windy, I’m forced to use all my U.S. geographical knowledge to guess that it takes place in Kansas. Thus, I am led to the conclusion that Gone with the Wind is about a Southern girl named Scarlett, living in Kansas and enjoying being racist when one day a tornado blows her and her dog to another country. While there, she murders a woman and, upon getting a taste for the kill, sets out to do it again. Oh wait, that’s The Wizard of Oz. My bad.
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