By Marriya Schwarz
Albeit a little delayed because I think the hype over the Nintendo Switch and Animal Crossing has died down, but I’m finally getting around to reviewing the 2006 Nintendo DS Lite. Okay, big deal: Your Nintendo Switch has a built-in joystick and can hook up to the TV, but my Nintendo DS has a little port for a handheld stylus and a volume slider that basically only goes from mute to WHY IS THAT SO LOUD? But when I was a kid, the split screen and touch screen aspect felt revolutionary. Until, of course, I got an iPod Touch and kind of forgot all about it at the bottom of my dance bag. (It almost doesn’t smell like feet anymore!)
While everyone in my generation is trying to sell their DS on eBay since none of the new games work on the platform, I have done the opposite. Instead, I have scoured the internet and spent an embarrassing amount of money on new games circa the early 2010s, since my collection was pretty solely Disney Channel-based. Currently, I have around 15 games, although, for some reason, I can’t get my DS to play GameBoy games anymore, so Zoey 101 is heartbreakingly ruled out.
What I love about the Nintendo DS is not just that it makes me feel like an elementary school student where my only real worries were multiplication tables and remembering my three lines as Squash #3 in the seminal classic Thanksgiving school play, Turkeys Go On Strike, but also, as someone with De Quervain's Tenosynovitis, the platform actually doesn’t cause me much discomfort. With my chronic pain, I have trouble with anything involving my thumb, so that means gripping, pushing, etc. Especially with overuse, my right hand, being my dominant hand, is basically always in pain. However, what I love about the Nintendo DS is that most of the games rely heavily on the weird little stylus that is so lightweight that I barely have to grip it and the control pad, which is located on the left side, so that my less fucked-up hand is more used. It’s kind of perfect? With apps on the iPhone, I find that a lot of it is thumb-based, so I’m less crushing candy and more crushing my chances for normal functionality. And I’ve found that the Wii is so movement-based that I can’t expect to play bowling on the Wii Play and breathe for a week or so after I pull muscles in my chest. Therefore, the Nintendo DS is the perfect platform for me… it just means that I’m stuck with terrible graphics.
But for almost solely my own benefit, here are my rankings and thoughts on all 14 of my games:
14. High School Musical: Makin' the Cut!
I was a huge High School Musical fan back in the day: I watched the premieres of all of the films, went to the High School Musical concert (with Drew Seeley filling in for Zac Efron), owned four different themed board games, and I even had a High School Musical birthday party where we played ‘Pin the Kiss on Troy Bolton.’ Therefore, it pains me to announce this, but this game sucks. The basics of this storyline are that Sharpay has signed up the gang for a national music competition, and you have to compete at each level. However, they’re also dealing with issues like Taylor thinking that Chad is cheating on her and Sharpay having trouble sleeping, which leads to great dialogue from Gabriella, like “I’ve had a white noise machine ever since I was little. It sounds like a waterfall - it helps me fall asleep in a new place.”
But we don’t really influence these storylines at all. We just get four slides of dialogue and then we move on! For the game part, you dance along to songs by clicking on circles when they turn green. It’s honestly pretty boring.
Pros: There’s nostalgia? I guess it’s fun to learn that it’s canon that Gabriella sleeps with a white noise machine?
Cons: The game is incredibly easy, and you don’t even get to really watch the animation because you’re too busy trying to make sure the characters don’t fall on their asses.
Pain scale: 0/5 Crème Brulees. Most of it is stylus based!
Overall gaming experience: .5/5 cookies that Zeke makes that Sharpay says are the best things she’s ever tasted but then proceeds to throw them on the floor in the end credits scene of the first film.
13. Hannah Montana
Okay so at this point, you may assume that I'm a little biased against my Disney Channel games and you are 100% right. But no hate; this game is interesting! Basically, we start out with Robby Ray Stewart telling Miley that an anonymous note was left for her, saying that they know Miley Stewart is really Hannah Montana! Gasp! (Could it be someone from the whole freaking town she told her secret to? Honestly, did we not expect this to get out?) And then he tells her to just go to school like nothing happened. This note threatened to spread her secret. Why are you telling your teenage daughter to solve this mystery, Robert? Go to the FBI or something!
Pros: Honestly, the story isn't half bad.
Cons: Movement in this game is just super awkward. Plus, it looks awful.
Pain scale: 1/5 cheap blonde wigs (mostly stylus based)
Overall gaming experience: 1.5/5 Sweet Niblets. (I'm trying to be strict with my ratings here, people.)
12. Hannah Montana: Music Jam
Evidently, one Hannah Montana game was not enough for me because I have a second one! This was always my favorite Hannah Montana game and I see why! Instead of a creepy stalker storyline, we have Hannah dealing with a competing pop star who can play her own instruments. But as Miley, she’s also dealing with losing her best friend to the new girl in town.
Pros: Movement and graphics are both a lot better in this game. Also, the storyline isn't bad. Plus, the ice skating game is *chef's kiss*
Cons: There isn't that much to do, so you finish an act after just putting up like one poster.
Pain scale: 3/5 glittery outfits (split between stylus and control pad)
Overall gaming experience: 1.8/5 Ohhh Woah woah yeahhhs
11. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
I know. I wanted this to be further up the list too, but it just. was. not. it. We follow some of the story of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, but movement in this game is awkward, and you almost can never move because Hermione or Ron stand completely in the way (it's like Stupefy, b****, get out of my way.) Honestly, it’s a pretty frustrating experience.
Pros: At least we can easily say this isn’t the worst thing J.K. Rowling has ever done.
Cons: Once you finish the storyline, you have to play what feels like hundreds of mini games that I guess you were supposed to finish along the way, but no one informed you of that (You correct ‘LevioSA,’ Hermione, but you keep your mouth shut this time?). Plus, in Potions class, you have to blow into your microphone (Sorry. During the time of the pandemic, no one should use my DS at this point) but you have to really blow until you get severely lightheaded. I started just putting my hair dryer on cool and blowing that into the mic, which does work but doesn’t make you feel good about yourself.
Pain scale: 2/5 Grims (mostly stylus but the amount of control pad use did hurt a tiny bit)
Overall gaming experience: 2/5 Gobstones (honestly there was so much potential here.)
10. Marvel Super Hero Squad
Thank goodness I only spent around $6 on this because it was yet another letdown. Basically, you get six low-tier superheroes and try to fight Doctor Doom as he tries to get all six fractals to create the Infinity Sword. Honestly, levels are pretty quick and easy and there isn't really any fun in replaying them.
Pros: There are superheroes? It features the Hulk?
Cons: It’s pretty repetitive
Pain scale: 3.5/5 Hulk smashes (very little stylus use)
Overall gaming experience: 2.3/5 arrows that Hawkeye takes into battle and then he's done for the day. Not necessarily worth shelling out money for.
9. Cooking Mama
I know, I know. In what world does Cooking Mama beat out Harry Potter and Marvel? (Although I’m thinking we were cheated out of a Cooking Mama crossover where she just casually lifts Mjölnir to cut off the ends of bean sprouts.) But there are so many options! From miso soup to spaghetti bolognese, Mama teaches you how to cook everything! Just... don't get her angry…
(I always liked how she says, “Don’t worry. Mama will fix it.” Like Mama, I don't mean to worry you, but your eyes are on fire. Your eyebrows must be WRECKED, dude.)
Pros: It’s straightforward with a lot of options, and back in the day, having this game made you the coolest.
Cons: It's not the most fun thing to play over and over again; it gets old easily. Plus, this lady puts ketchup on everything? And it kind of makes me uncomfortable? I also still don't know how to cook in real life, so thanks Mama. How are you gonna fix that one?
Pain scale: 0/5 rice in omelets (all stylus based! Beautiful!)
Overall game experience: 2.7/5 eyelashes Mama has left after all that fire. Don't get me wrong—it's a fun game! It's just a little boring?
8. Nintendogs
This was my very first Nintendo game, and I've been away so long that I think my Nintendogs thought I died. Also, now all my dogs are afraid of sticks. Did I do this? In the game, you get to raise dogs, train them, take them for walks, pick up their poop, etc. It’s kind of like a Furby, but you get more power.
Pros: It's dogs—you can't help but love it.
Cons: There’s not that much to do because there aren’t really missions. It's kind of the same deal as Cooking Mama with being repetitive, except I actually feel loved by my dogs. (I think I'm one poorly chopped onion away from Mama putting me inside a fried gyoza.)
Pain scale: 0/5 weird Archie Hubbs-isms (all stylus based, baby!)
Overall gaming experience: 3/5 pizza discs. I love my dogs.
7. Professor Layton and the Diabolical Box
This is particularly upsetting because I was working so hard to have a Professor Layton moment for myself, but it just wasn't worth the hype? Like yes, it's fun, but it's also kind of boring. Sigh. I mean it's not a bad game, but I expected more. The plot is basically that Professor Layton's mentor, Dr. Schrader, obtains the Elysian Box. The myth is that this box will kill anyone who opens it. When Layton and his 'young apprentice', Luke, visit Dr. Schrader, they find him unconscious and the box missing. Honestly, I feel like we should learn from this and not go after the box that’s killing everyone? But Professor Layton is a professor who doesn’t seem to know the definition of “self-preservation.”
Pros: It’s riddle-based with a good story.
Cons: It’s kind of boring. A lot of the puzzles don't feel like they contribute to the overall story—like Professor Layton's pal is unconscious, but, yes, let's hear about the puzzle this reminded you of. There is a TIME and a PLACE, sir. Also, the relationship between Professor Layton and this small boy seems weird, no?
Pain scale: .5/5 small child detectives (basically all stylus use)
Overall gaming experience: 3.1/5 "I think I've got it"s
6. Mario & Sonic at the Olympic Winter Games
I'll be perfectly honest: I think this game would have a higher rating if I wasn't absolutely terrible at it. The person who had this game before me was so. much. better. I'm only okay at the figure skating game? Maybe because of my training with Hannah Montana: Music Jams? Basically, it's a game inspired by the 2010 Winter Games in Vancouver. There are a bunch of different options like curling, figure skating, luge, etc.
Pros: It’s my first Mario game!
Cons: It’s actually difficult for me? But maybe that's a good thing?
Pain scale: 4/5 Mario jokes I got as a child (thanks for the name, Mom & Dad!) (pretty control pad-heavy)
Overall gaming experience: 3.5/5 Luigi jokes that my sister didn't have to experience, which isn't fair.
5. Sims 2
Let’s just say there's a reason why Reddit thinks this game is secretly a horror game parading as the Sims. Basically, you have some car trouble, land in Strangetown, and they explain that their last hotel manager just quit so you have to take over the job. Like... um no? Why don't you just fix my car? Plus, Strangetown is this weird town where it's completely surrounded by sand that drains your energy if you even attempt to run away. Because no one can leave, everyone just gets drunk, hangs out in your hotel, and pees on your floor. You have to deal with weird tenants like a crime boss and an evil robot? Oh and did I mention that the town is constantly dealing with alien invasions... that YOU have to fight off with either a water gun or a rat suit. Yeah.
Pros: The storyline is something you’ll never stop thinking about.
Cons: It's actually pretty quick to finish and then you're just doing general hotel maintenance for the rest of the game, which is fairly boring. Part of your responsibilities is cheering up sad guests, calming down angry guests, sobering up drunk guests (they call them 'loopy' but we know what's up), and making out with romantic guests. (YEAH. WHAT'S UP WITH THAT? DOES # METOO NOT EXIST IN STRANGETOWN.) (Sometimes I get annoyed with guys constantly trying to kiss me in the game, so I spray them with water guns.)
Pain scale: 4/5 alien organs I have to dissect (It's pretty control pad heavy, but there is stylus use. However, this is the only game I've seen that also uses the Right and Left buttons on the DS, which is an added hand strain)
Overall gaming experience: 3.7/5 times the mayor's office catches on fire and I have to go at it with a water gun when there should be PEOPLE FOR THIS.
4. LEGO Batman
Obviously, the LEGO games are amazing and they genuinely hold up. As quoted in the Wikipedia article I found because I have no brain power anymore, "Batman's most dangerous foes have all escaped from Arkham Asylum and divided themselves into three groups of five, each led by a well-known villain with plans to achieve a personal goal." What I really like about the LEGO games is that you can just break everything. Like the Joker is about to blow up a cathedral but hold up, Imma break all his stuff first.
Pros: The levels are a good length; there’s always a lot to do and a lot to break.
Cons: It’s very easy. Basically, the way that you find all the different assembly pieces guides you on how you're supposed to get from one point to another. It was super straight forward, which can be good!
Pain scale: 4/5 Batarangs (I'll be honest. This one hurt a little. It's very control pad heavy, which can be problematic.)
Overall gaming experience: 4/5 times I died falling into green goo.
3. LEGO Star Wars: The Complete Series
Following all of the movies (obviously not the newest ones), there's a LOT to do in LEGO Star Wars: The Complete Series. I actually found that this one was a bit more challenging than the Batman game, since there are a bunch of different options and ways you can complete things or get sidetracked. Plus, the bosses were actually somewhat challenging. Unlike Batman where you’re maybe facing two goons and then they die and you're left alone, for a lot of Star Wars, you're constantly dealing with people shooting at you.
Pros: It’s so worth the money because there are so many levels.
Cons: The biggest problem is that the lightsabers are really hard to use and you need some space to swing it. Unfortunately, your little computer-controlled sidekick gets so close to you. I probably killed Obi-Wan a good 100 times because that boy would not give me space. Then, I was of course forced to stare at myself in the mirror for a long period of time and wonder… I’ve always wanted to be Princess Leia… but have I really been Darth Vader all along?
Pain scale: 4.5/5 beheaded Obi-Wans (My hands absolutely cannot handle the chase levels so I’ve hit a wall in this game. Someone with functioning hands please finish it for me?)
Overall gaming experience: 4.3/5 adorable little R2-D2 screams, which maybe I shouldn't find adorable?
2. Scooby-Doo! First Frights
This is kind of a controversial pick because Scooby-Doo! First Frights is clearly trying to be a LEGO game, and it's somehow better? I'm so sorry—please don't come for me. Basically, the whole concept is exactly the same: you can break things and instead of getting little LEGO studs, you get Scooby snacks. The storyline follows Mystery Inc. as they go on new mysteries, and you get to decide who is responsible by the end (which is a lot of power for a game for children.)
Pros: It’s actually challenging, and the bosses are awesome.
Cons: The graphics look awful. They really did Fred dirty, and he doesn't even have an ascot!
Pain scale: 4/5 "Ruh Rohs" (basically the same as the LEGO games)
Overall gaming experience: 4.7/5 "Let's split up, gang”s. Why was this Fred's catchphrase? That's a terrible catchphrase.
1. Narnia: Prince Caspian
Okay, so you're telling me I had the perfect game this whole time and didn't even make it past the FIRST TASK as a child? Sigh. Basically, we follow the storyline of Prince Caspian with Caspian trying to escape his Uncle Miraz, meeting up with the Pevensie siblings, and then trying to save the kingdom of Narnia from a corrupt ruler. You have battles, a storyline, ogres, and really everything. Also, the graphics aren't bad! It’s pretty simplistic, but not bad at all.
Pros: It’s somewhat challenging, since each battle is like 5 mini games at once. But it’s a good story that puts less emphasis on the Susan/Prince Caspian relationship, like it should be.
Cons: There’s some pretty fast gameplay.
Pain scale: 2/5 Turkish Delights worth selling your whole family to an ice queen (basically, it’s all stylus use—EVEN MOVEMENT. AND IT'S NOT JERKY)
Overall gaming experience: 5/5 Aslans not coming in until the LAST FREAKING SECOND. Bruh, just stay close by.
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