By Marriya Schwarz
I, Ted Cruz, the Senator from Texas, want to point out that we are gathering at a moment of great division that frankly makes my teeth ache. The tooth of the matter is that we are gathering at a time when the world is in crisis. Recent polling shows that 70% of children under 12 believe in the Tooth Fairy. That’s around 18% of Americans. You may not agree with their assessment. But it is nonetheless a reality for nearly half the country. Even if you do not share this conviction, it is the responsibility, I believe, of this office to acknowledge that if that many people believe in this tiny sprite that steals teeth and leaves money, it must be true. [Cruz pauses for the applause and standing ovations via the Republican Party. He basks in it, wondering if this is what it would have felt like if his parents actually attended his baseball games as a child.]
I want to take a moment to speak strictly to my Democratic colleagues in the chamber. I get it. You believe the Tooth Fairy is in itself a dangerous and capitalistic concept that teaches kids that if you get pressed for cash, you can just pawn off your body parts. And if the Democrats vote in a block, her position will be limited. Now, I want to speak to the Republicans who are considering voting against the idea that the Tooth Fairy should be deemed both a recognized entity and an ‘essential worker’ during the time of COVID-19. I understand your concerns of her legitimacy. How could this flying little fairy enter our homes and grab lost teeth underneath our pillows without waking us unless there is some other untapped portion of her power we mortals are unaware of? But I urge you to pause and think: if we don’t bring light to the legitimacy of the Tooth Fairy, what does it say to the nearly half the country that believes the Tooth Fairy exists?
Let me be clear, I am not arguing for deciding whether or not the Tooth Fairy is real, as an established fact. Santa Claus has not been answering my letters about that. But all of us are faced with two choices, both of which are lousy. One choice is to vote that an internationally traveling sprite be limited from visiting our homes and should not be gifted the double dose of the COVID-19 vaccine for her service over our 75 and older population. But tens of… tens of Americans will see this vote as a statement that the Tooth Fairy isn’t real. And a great many of us who don’t want to accept reality don’t believe that.
And so I, Senator Ted Cruz [Cruz waits for more applause. He lives for it. But there is no applause, only the rising shouts of a pro-Tooth Fairy militia raging outside with posters that read “Make American Parents Give Their Kids Free Money for Natural Aging and Developmental Processes.” Outside, these MAPGTKFMNADPs push against police officers, shouting “HOW IS THE TOOTH FAIRY GOING TO KEEP UP MAINTENANCE ON HER HOME IF SHE DOESN’T HAVE ACCESS TO THE TEETH SHE USES AS A CONSTRUCTION MATERIAL and now that I think about it, that is kind of weird… huh, COPS?!”] – I, Senator Ted Cruz, endeavored to look for another option. And for that, I look to history to the precedent of the 1947 United States v. Kris Kringle lawsuit, the court case that ruled that a Macy’s mall Santa was, indeed, the true Santa Claus.
And what I would urge of this body is that we do the same. That we have a pointed commission conduct a 10-day investigation (How does she travel so fast? What’s with the financial compensation variation?), consider the evidence (If she isn’t real, how does she write you a letter saying you’re good at brushing?), and resolve the claims. For those on the democratic aisle who say there is no evidence, then you should relax if that’s the case. But for those who respect our constituents, simply telling small children that the Tooth Fairy is their ‘parents,’ jeopardizes, I believe, my frayed version of reality.
James Madison of Virginia left out the ‘Tooth Fairy Clause’ of the United States Constitution, but we also know how Virginia is (blue.) And let me be clear, this fight is for the Tooth Fairy, but it is broader than that. It is a fight for Santa, the Easter Bunny, the Sandman, and that goddamn Elf on the Shelf that my wife, Heidi, uses to keep me in line. [Somewhere behind a TV screen, Heidi shakes her head and questions things.]
Thus, I would urge my colleagues, don’t take perhaps the sane path. But instead act delusional together. Let’s shock and horrify the viewers to say, “We grown adults will have a thorough investigation into the legitimacy of the Tooth Fairy even if her writing looks miraculously like your mom’s.” Let’s make a conclusive determination on how the Tooth Fairy works within our constitution and within federal law. [At this moment, the president tweets that “Mike Pence doesn’t have the courage to do what should have been done and let the Tooth Fairy roam free. USA demands spare change under our pillows!” The rioters outside start shouting, “Unlock her up!” Cruz sits back down, hoping that this speech will win him an award, a medal, or even just a little plaque.]
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