By Marriya Schwarz
TV actors aren’t all singers, but that’s not going to stop them from belting out those untrained pipes and somewhat carrying a tune rather than… you know… speaking their lines. I’ve often wondered how so many actors go from accepting Emmys (daytime counts!) on glistening stages and then finding themselves ensnared in the world of lip-syncing and pas de barres the next season. Does every contract include a provisional musical episode, and they have bad agents? I just can’t imagine that so many people—from writers to actors to producers allow these episodes to happen. Sure, musical episodes of shows can become cult classics, but that doesn’t mean that they should.
Now, don’t get me wrong: I’m not a musical hater. I did musical theater all through elementary and middle school, and I love a night out going to Broadway shows just as much as anyone else. This is all to say that I do believe singing is a viable storytelling strategy. But a lot of shows feel less “The-character’s-emotions-are-so-strong-that-all-they-can-do-is-belt-out-a-song” and more “Hey-we-want-to-sell-CDs-too.” (Let’s just entertain the idea that people still buy CDs, okay?)
Sometimes, musical episodes can work but only really when it’s a music-based show to begin with. For example, Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist works because it’s established that she has some kind of superpower that makes her able to read people’s thoughts through musical numbers they perform in her head (I mean, it leaves some questions, like are these performances happening in real time? If so, why isn’t anyone concerned about her staring into space for 2-4 minutes depending on the length of the song?) It works in Glee because it’s established that these kids just randomly burst into song in the middle of class (Can you imagine being a transfer student and you’re just trying to find your way to class, but freaking Quinn has to sort out her problems with The Supremes’ “You Keep Me Hangin’ On” in the hallway, thus blocking all available walking space? The show also gave me unrealistic expectations that childbirth only lasts the duration of Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody"). And it works in Galavant because it’s established that it’s a medieval musical (no snarky comment, just a good fucking show.)
And in shows that put a musical on within the episode are totally cool with me. Andy Bernard breaking into Sweeney Todd within the confines of its own production? Totally cool. Stevie Budd belting “Maybe This Time” from Cabaret while in full costume in the town’s production in Schitt’s Creek? Gorgeous. Suite Life of Zack and Cody putting on a rendition of High School Musical, and no one agrees that Maddie resembles Sharpay? Intensely frustrating as a child, but fine by me! Even Supernatural had the self-awareness and respect for their actors to not make them switch from script to sheet music, and they just put on a purposefully stupid separate musical based on the Winchesters without starring any of the main cast.
But no matter how much a show attempts to justify it, there’s no real rationale that I can get behind where I can pretend that a show has just been transformed into an extension of the Les Misérables cinematic universe, and my favorite characters are forced to sing ballads and tap their toes.
Why do we let this happen? I mean can you imagine Jon Snow from Game of Thrones, saying “Winter is coming” and then the Night’s Watch rip off their fur coats, start snapping, and break into “Something’s Coming” from West Side Story? Or in The Crown, Queen Elizabeth is yelling at Margaret Thatcher to do what she wants, and she says “Don’t forget who I am.” And then Thatcher says, “I know. You’re the Queen of England.” And Queen Elizabeth says, “No,” and she rips off the crown and the corgis press play on the boombox. As the music starts, the Queen says, “I’m the dancing queen” as ABBA plays? OR in Chilling Adventures of Sabrina, a witch starts poisoning Sabrina’s mind and Sabrina has to sing The Sound of Music’s “Sixteen Going on Seventeen” in a duet with her ex-boyfriend to retain her sanity? Okay, wait, that last one happened. But you see my point! Why do we let some shows get plagued by musical numbers while others remain blissfully free?
Musical episodes are always cheesy and cringey. In Once Upon a Time, the reasoning is that this one villain can only be defeated with the power of song, which is a pretty sucky Achilles heel; imagine being able to withstand guns, swords, knives, but oh god, do not send in the college a cappella group. In The Flash, the Music Meister traps Supergirl and the Flash in a musical alternate reality where he tells them they have to follow the script to escape. Buddy, you don’t have to use magical powers to stage a production; have you heard of community theater? And in Chilling Adventures of Sabrina, the only way they can think to overcome
Lucifer is performing “Masquerade” from Phantom of the Opera. I’m serious.
The main problem is that series tend to use these musical episodes to keep up fan morale and get people watching again without creating better storylines or compelling character arcs, which is pretty lazy. Besides, at least in my experience, these musical numbers are better skipped through because, like I said before, these people aren’t singers. They auditioned with sides, not eight bars of Wicked, and it shows. Folks, just have your actors stick to their lines, not to A Chorus Line.
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