By Marriya Schwarz
For years, we’ve shrugged off the 1994 Christmas blockbuster, The Santa Clause, as a fun movie prior to Tim Allen’s problematic tweets and his replacement by Chris Evans as Buzz Lightyear in the upcoming Pixar release, Lightyear. In my case, I thought the movie was just the reason why I still have trouble spelling ‘Santa Claus,’ but that was the only beef I had with it. But upon rewatching, I think we’ve been avoiding the dark truth about the film for quite some time: While the film does have puppets, flying reindeer, and a fuck ton of hot cocoa; it also features capital M: Murder.
The film starts innocently—as these things always do. Scott Calvin’s (Tim Allen) workplace, B&R Toys, is holding an office party to celebrate the holidays while also praising Calvin and the rest of the Midwest Marketing and Distribution Team on a successful release of Do-It-All-For-You-Dolly (whose jingle goes “Don’t you burp me. Don’t you change me. I’m the dolly,” which, on one hand, is kind of stupid because what the hell are you supposed to do with the doll? But on the other hand, it does teach kids about consent and saying “no.”) Then, Scott is easily kicked out of the running for “Father of the Year” by pretending to get stuck in traffic to make up for being late to host his son, Charlie (Eric Lloyd), for Christmas Eve.
While this is all happening, we see these strange elf spies investigating his town. Keep in mind that Scott Calvin is not Santa yet and it’s literally Christmas Eve, so these elves should be otherwise occupied. Should be. If they weren’t… up to something.
That night, there arises “such a clatter” that wakes up Charlie, who runs to get his dad. Although disoriented, Scott yells to his son to call 911 while he runs outside to see what’s going on, thus leaving Charlie in the house that an intruder just might be in the process of breaking into (Again, not “Father of the Year.”) When he sees a stranger on the roof, Scott shouts, “Hey, you!” causing the man to fall off the roof—thus killing Santa Claus in front of his son. Thank goodness his stepfather, Neal (Judge Reinhold), is a psychiatrist.
Upon further inspection, the Santa-dressed stranger has a business card imprinted with “If something should happen to me, put on the suit. The reindeer will know what to do.” Because this is technically more of a family movie, Santa just disappears instead of being brutally murdered, but we all know what happened. After Scott is encouraged by Charlie to be Santa for one night, the two return to the North Pole.
When Scott and Charlie are brought into the workshop, no one asks about the old Santa. Instead, the elves even shout “It’s the new Santa! The new Santa is here!” They seem fine—almost too fine that their old boss was just killed. They aren’t even surprised! How bad do you have to be at your job to make your employees have an essentially “Ding-Dong! The Witch is Dead” attitude about your death?
This is because this was no accident. This was premeditated murder. Let me explain: Because Scott put on the coat, he is the new Santa. Once he tries to get out of the “Santa Clause,” the creepy head elf, Bernard, reads out that once someone puts on the coat, he “fully accepts the duties and responsibilities of Santa Claus in perpetuity until such time that the wearer becomes unable to do so by either accident or design.” I’m sorry, I’m sorry—“or design?” The clause literally lets the elves kill Santa.
Really think about it: If Santa goes to every house in one night, why doesn’t everyone hear “such a clatter?” Shouldn’t that be a universal thing? Why was Santa so noisy on the Calvin house, in particular? That’s because elves intervened. We know that there is a trained team of E.L.F.S., or Effective Liberating Flight Squad, who define themselves as “Elves with Attitude” and come with flying gear and super powerful tinsel. They could have easily flown onto the roof and caused some noise, waking Charlie. (Besides, pay attention to their name: “Effective Liberating Flight Squad.” This is clearly a coup.)
In a way, I understand where the elves were coming from. There is no resume, LinkedIn search, interview process, or anything of the like for the position of Santa Claus. If someone brutally murders Santa and puts on the coat, they become Santa. What a shitty system. I feel like someone had to have figured this out and the last 6 Santas were hardcore murderers. There isn’t even any orientation session; they really make you jump straight into the deep end. If I spent 1,200 years developing a hot cocoa recipe while the big boss was fucking shit up, I would probably throw a coup, too.
Therefore, Scott Calvin becoming Santa is no accident. No, no, no—this guy was vetted. That’s why he had little elf spies all over his neighborhood. I mean, it makes sense: The guy would look great on paper: He works in distribution at a toy company and his initials are already ‘S.C.’ Clearly, there was something wrong with the Santa system, since Charlie’s mother (Wendy Crewson) and stepfather tearfully admit that they stopped believing in Santa when they didn’t get the toys they so desperately wanted. That’s not great for the brand. So why not bring in an expert in quality toy distribution? Thus, a plan formed.
The only problem was that the elves did not have Santa’s ‘judge of character’ superpower. How could they have known that Scott Calvin was probably the least qualified for the job? The guy didn’t even know that reindeers had ‘antlers’ and not ‘horns,’ and on his first night on the job, he breaks almost every glass object in everyone’s house. But by this point, they’re in too deep. They had just fucking assassinated Santa Claus. It’s a real “nowhere to go but up” scenario.
Besides, Scott Calvin is already deep into his transition by now. He starts putting on weight, and everyone in his office completely fat shames him, which is highly problematic. When he goes to the doctor for help with his hair growth, Scott has probably the most universally female doctor experience. Even though his heartbeat is playing literal “Jingle Bells,” the doctor says he must have a hormone issue and nothing else needs to be done. Welcome to womanhood, Scott! Historically, no one believes us!
But since they can’t push Scott Calvin off of a roof until next Christmas, the elves have to band together to try to create the best Christmas ever, despite the obvious Scott Calvin problem. This is why, even though this Santa Claus position has been around for centuries, they finally start coming up with solutions to on-fire fireplaces and maintaining communication networks with the North Pole. But while all of this is being explained to Scott, he keeps asking “But what if I fall off a roof?” No one answers him. That’s because pushing him off the roof is Plan B.
At the end of the film, when Scott is freed from prison and flies away in the sleigh, the same elf spies from before run back to whatever Elf.B.I. headquarters they came from. They’re relieved. They don’t have to murder Santa this year.
But if you thought that this was a happy ending for Scott Calvin, wait until the end: Charlie remarks that he’s “going into the family business” and looks wistfully at Santa Claus’ flying sleigh. Let’s just say Scott Calvin might want to gift himself a copy of Hamlet this Christmas.
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