By Marriya Schwarz
One of the staples of the spooky season has to be Bobby “Boris” Pickett’s “Monster Mash.” It’s played at basically every Halloween party ever, over the radio, and in my head almost year-round — but what exactly is it?
It all started with Bobby “Boris” Pickett who figured out that he could do a pretty decent impression of Boris Karloff’s iconic Frankenstein voice. So, he literally decided to make a whole song based on this one skill — honestly, very impressive. After adding some foley sound effects with probably unpaid interns blowing bubbles through a straw to create a cauldron bubbling effect, the song was released in August of 1962. It quickly rose to the number one spot on the Billboard Hot 100 chart in October, beating out The 4 Seasons, Nat King Cole, and Elvis Presley.
We all know “Monster Mash.” We all love “Monster Mash,” unless you’re Pam Halpert. But a closer look at the lyrics raises several questions.
Here’s what we know: A scientist — potentially Frankenstein — is working in a lab late one night when his monster rises and begins doing the ‘monster mash.’ It’s unclear if this was Frankenstein’s intention or if he’s just a shitty scientist who had seen too many Charli D'Amelio videos and was like ‘I can work with this.’ The dance quickly becomes a “graveyard smash” and “ca[tches] on in a flash.” Here’s the problem: Creatures apparently can’t just learn the dance/song with a standard TikTok tutorial or a Just Dance game because they physically have to visit the scientist to get “a jolt from [his] electrodes,” which also seems vaguely dirty. So my question is how exactly did this craze catch on in a flash if everyone has to first schedule a doctor’s visit before they can do the dance? It’s hard to get people to just go get a flu shot; why was the ‘monster mash’ enough of an initiative?
Also, it’s weird where these creatures are coming from to get this electrode treatment: the vampires specifically seem to only dine in the “master bedroom.” Maybe I’m just speaking from my own perspective, but we have a “No Food Outside of the Kitchen” rule in our house. I feel like you wouldn’t want to dine on blood in the same place you’re sleeping; it could get messy! I’m just speaking from the perspective of someone with a period who has definitely bled on her sheets, and it’s not always easy to wash. Maybe try the kitchen, vampires? A dining room perhaps?
The group of creatures named is also interesting. You have zombies, “Wolfman, Dracula, and his son” all coming out to join in this craze. This ‘monster mash’ is unifying the HCU (Horror Cinematic Universe.) You might have thought that Twilight was the first series to unite werewolves and vampires in a common cause, but it was really “Monster Mash.” Also, say what you want about the bloodsucking Count Dracula, but what a great dad to spend time bonding over the ‘monster mash’ with his son! Plus, he was able to set aside his love for the “Transylvania Twist” (yet another thing that is mentioned but we have no idea what it is) and accept that the ‘monster mash’ is better because of his love of his son and his attempt to understand the viral crazes of the younger generation — at least that’s how I interpreted it.
Towards the end of the song, we get yet another realization: the song is for us, the living. But here’s the problem: we don’t know what the ‘monster mash’ is. The entire song is basically just an advertisement for the song, but we never find out what the craze is. Is it a song? A dance? If it’s really the “hit of the land,” why have we never seen it? Why have we only heard a song ABOUT the ‘monster mash’? Maybe we misjudged all of the monsters in our closets and under our beds; they weren’t trying to scare us; they were trying to teach us the craze. Once we figure out the vaccine and treatments and everything, this is what modern day science should be focusing on.
Listen, I’m not saying that “Monster Mash” is a bad song. I agree with Igor — “Mash good!” — but I just wish we knew what the heck it was.
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